- How did you drop
your textbook in the water?
- Ah, my bathtub study tray broke.
- You have a bathtub study tray?
- Yeah.
- Oh my god.
- Hi.
- Hey.
- 'Yo.
Why do you have a bowling bowl?
- Don't ask why.
Just pretend you don't see it
and that way, we won't be a part
of the tragedy that's about to happen.
- Hey, all set.
- Okay, people,
unless you're a bowling pin, move.
- Ha, no way you can knock
both of them down.
- Don't doubt my ball skills.
- What's wrong with Ms. Ackerman?
- What'd you do to her, Sam?
- I know why miss Ackerman is upset.
- Why?
- What happened?
- Her boyfriend dumped her last night.
- No way.
- What?
- Yup.
You didn't hear it from me.
- We got to get to class.
- Sure.
Right after I knock down
these last two pins.
- With one throw?
Not possible.
- We'll see.
- Ow.
- I'll call the school nurse.
- In five, four, three, two--
* I know you see *
* somehow the world *
* will change for me *
* and be so wonderful *
* live life *
* breathe air *
* I know somehow *
* we're gonna get there *
* and feel so wonderful *
* it's all for real *
* I'm telling you *
* just how I feel *
* so wake up the members *
* of my nation *
* it's your time to be *
* there's no chance *
* unless you take one *
* now's the time *
* to see the brighter side *
* of every situation *
* some things are meant to be *
* so give it your best *
* and leave the rest to me *
* leave it all to me *
* just leave it all to me *
- this is super weird.
- She's been like that for 20 minutes.
- I'm gonna go talk to her.
Miss Ackerman, are you okay?
- Yes.
Sit down.
- Okay.
- Now, I want you all to write
a 10-page essay on the Louisiana purchase.
- Um, we haven't even gotten
to that chapter yet.
- Too bad.
Sometimes, things happen
you're not prepared for.
- But how are we suppose
to write an essay on something
you haven't taught us about yet?
- I don't need your sass, Carly shay.
- Sass?
- Look, it's not fair
to make us write 10 pages--
- let's make it 15 pages,
yeah, that's right.
Ow.
I'm gonna go get some aspirin.
Start reading chapter whatever.
- I'm not sassy.
- Her boyfriend must have dumped her hard.
- No kidding.
The lady is losing it.
- Sometimes I'm bold, but I'm never sassy.
- Freddie, why aren't you reading
chapter whatever?
- Oh, um, 'cause I dropped
my textbook in the bathtub last night.
- Of course.
You men are all the same.
You lose interest in your textbook
and then you just dump it
in your filthy bath water.
- Ms. Ackerman, you don't need
to yell at Freddie in front
of the whole class.
- Oh, look, more back talk
from the sass master.
- I am not the sass master.
And it's wrong for you
to be mean to Freddie
just 'cause your boyfriend
broke up with you.
- Wow, Carls.
Maybe you are the sass master.
- You go straight
to the principal's office.
- What?
- You heard me.
- But-- - go.
- Why do I-- - now.
- Miss-- - get out.
- Oh.
- F, f, f.
- Excuse me, Ms. Ackerman.
- What?
- I'm Spencer shay, Carly's older brother.
- What do you have there?
- Frozen yogurt.
- There's no eating in my classroom.
Sit down.
- Yes, ma'am.
So, principal Franklin said
you wanted to speak to me
about Carly's behavior.
- That's right.
She sassed me in front of my entire class.
- Right.
We talked about it
and she regrets her sass.
But she felt she needed to defend Freddie.
She felt like it wasn't fair for--
did I--did I say something?
Hey, come on.
Don't cry.
Blue skies.
- No.
- Why are you crying?
- Well, this is how I use
to get Carly to stop crying
when she was little.
- Oh.
- And if that didn't work,
little Carly can expect a surprise visit
from the tickle monster.
- Oh, no, no!
I can't take-- I can't take this.
Stop.
I'm sorry.
Just that I recently broke up
with my boyfriend and it's been rough.
- Oh, don't beat yourself up.
We've all been through some bad breakups.
- Yeah.
So, do you have a girlfriend now or--
- nope, I got a goldfish,
but we're just friends.
- So, do you wanna go
get some coffee or something?
- Sure.
I make great coffee.
I also have cookies, the soft kind.
- Really?
- Uh-huh.
Wanna come over?
- That sounds nice.
- Well then,
through the door, teacher lady.
It's okay, little guy.
- Oh.
- You want me to stop?
- No, it hurts too good.
- Miss Ackerman?
- Oh, hi, Carly.
- Hi.
Uh, not that I'm not happy to see you,
but why are you here
standing on my brother?
- 'Cause she has magic feet.
Oh.
- I spent six months
in Thailand learning the art
of back-walking massage.
- Oh, those thailamanians taught you good.
- So, coffee, snacks, back-walking.
What's going on here?
- Well, after our
guardian-teacher conference at your school,
we decided to come back here
for coffee and cookies.
- Soft cookies.
- Okay.
Well, I'm just gonna go upstairs
and try to make myself
comfortable with all this.
- No, why don't you hang down here with us
for a while?
- You can watch me give Spencer a haircut.
- Try it and I'll call the scissor police.
- Oh, give me that hair.
- No.
- Give me-- come here, Spencer--
- I love my hair.
I love it.
- Come on.
- It's all luxurious.
- A little bit.
- No.
- I know you've been very pretty.
- No.
- Okay, everyone.
I know you were all expecting a test today,
but instead I've decided
to give you all a-pluses
and caramel apples.
- Oh, yeah.
- Pass those around
while I make a phone call.
- Okay.
Spencer dating miss Ackerman
is the best thing
that's happened at this school
since that lunch lady
fell in that giant gravy pot.
- Hi, Spencer.
No, I was just missing you.
Yeah.
Did you get my text message?
Did you think it was cute?
No, you are.
Oh my, stop it, I can't take it.
- It's just a little weird
seeing a teacher in my house.
- Weird, how?
- Weird like
when she comes over for dinner, I feel like
I have to raise my hand to say,
"pass the peas."
- Eww, peas?
- Not the point.
- Yeah, the point is
this could not get better.
- Hey, kids.
Instead of class tomorrow,
how would you all like to come
ice skating with Spencer and me?
- Yeah.
- Just got better.
- Ah.
Carly, could you get the door?
I'm not dressed yet.
- Okay.
Oh, miss Ackerman,
you look sort of like hot.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Come on in.
Spencer is just finishing getting dressed.
- Oh, hey.
I--I just got the new cable for the--whoa.
- I also said "whoa."
- Hi, Freddie.
What are you doing here?
- I was just, uh, coming over
to help--work on a web show with Carly.
Whoa.
- Okay, why don't we go upstairs
before you start drooling?
- Have fun, you guys.
- Go.
- Wow, you look fantastic.
- Thanks.
I got you a present.
- What for?
- Our one week anniversary.
- Ah, how great are you?
- Very.
Open it.
- No, a pearpod?
- Uh-huh, and it's loaded up
with 500 of the best songs ever.
- Five hundred songs,
that must've cost you a fortune.
- No.
No, pearpod wasn't cheap,
but I just downloaded the songs
from one of those music-sharing websites.
Oh, I think you've got something
boiling over in your stove.
- Ah.
Whew, you saved my soup's life,
which means you deserve
some passion fruit punch.
- Hmm, sweet.
- Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
- Uhm.
- Uh-huh.
- So, where were you today
between 3:15 and 3:40?
- What do you mean?
- I called you one, two, three,
four, five, six times between 3:15 and 3:40
and you didn't pick up.
- You write down every time you call me?
- Well, we're dating.
I'd like to know where you are.
- Every minute of every day?
- Yes.
- Really?
- Really.
- Oh.
I'm gonna go carve Mr. chicken now.
- All right.
So, where do you think you were?
Just take a guess.
- I--I don't know.
I think, uh, maybe I was-- - liar.
Love me.
- Ah.
- Okay, how about this?
What if you guys do an "icarly" segment
where you compare vegetables?
- What?
- You talk about squash
and Carly talks about asparagus?
- What?
- You see, this is why Carly and me
are the creative ones, and you're
the technical producer
who really shouldn't talk
so much in these meetings.
- Carly.
- Let's take a break.
- Yeah.
Let's talk about
how awesome it is that Ackerman
never gives us homework anymore.
- Yeah, we really owe Spencer.
- Big time.
- Can you believe how mean Ackerman got
after her last boyfriend dumped her?
- Oh, she was gonna ruin our lives.
- No doubt.
We're just lucky that-- - hey.
- Hey.
- Where's miss Ackerman?
- Oh, she left.
I dumped her.
- Hey, Freddie.
- I can't talk.
I'm trying to prepare
for miss Ackerman's pop quiz
on chapter seven.
- We're having a pop quiz?
- Probably.
You saw how she treated us
last time she got dumped.
- Oh man, he is right.
Give me that thing.
I gotta start writing stuff down
on my arms.
- How much information
can you write on two arms?
- Yeah.
I'm gonna need more space.
I'll be in the bathroom.
- Wait, the book.
- Get your own book.
- That is my own--ah.
- Ooh, miss Ackerman's coming.
Be cool.
Maybe she won't notice us.
- Good morning, Carly.
Good morning, Freddie.
How are two of my favorite students today?
- Uh, fine.
- Good.
Uh, you sure are in a good mood.
- Yeah, why wouldn't I be?
- Well, we sort of heard
that you and Spencer broke up last night.
- Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
We just had a little spat.
No, Spencer and I
are still very much together.
- Oh.
- So, no pop quiz today?
- Of course not, you silly goose people.
- Here, take your book.
I'm all set.
- You don't need to be.
- We just saw miss Ackerman.
No pop quiz.
- So I did this for nothing?
- Hi, we need to talk.
- Sure, in a minute.
I gotta finish pumping the guns.
- Pump your guns later.
Miss Ackerman's on her way over here.
She thinks you two are still dating.
- Oh.
Oh.
What is wrong with that woman?
- She's loony, loony in the head.
- Man, why didn't you call and tell me?
I could've been in Canada by now.
- Well, I don't think Canada's gonna--
it's her.
- Why couldn't I've been born with wings?
- You're not a cockatoo.
Be a man.
- All right.
I'm gonna set that lady straight.
- No.
- Right.
What?
- Spencer.
- What happened?
- Don't upset her?
- But I don't wanna go out with her.
- I know.
Tell her that,
but say it nicely and sweetly
so she doesn't ruin our lives in school.
- Okay, nicely.
- And sweetly.
I'll be upstairs.
- Boo.
- Hi, Lauren.
What a surprise.
- So where should we go for dinner tonight?
Do you like Italian food?
- Yeah, uh, but Lauren-- - I know we had
a little argument, but it's okay.
I'm not mad at you anymore,
and I brought you a panda pig.
- A panda pig?
- Yeah.
You said your two favorite animals
were a panda bear and a pig.
So I cut off the head of a pig
and I sewed it onto the body
of a panda bear.
For you.
- Uhh, that's not weird.
Lauren, I don't wanna go out
with you anymore.
- Spencer, I think you're just
overreacting.
- No.
I think you're under-reacting.
Seriously, I don't wanna date you.
- If you're trying to tell me something,
just say it.
- I don't want to date you.
- Fine.
Then I'm just gonna do this.
- That was a loud slam.
Did you break up with her?
- Yup.
She didn't handle it well.
- Were you gentle and sweet?
- Yes, but she wasn't.
- Okay, class.
This pop quiz is going to count
for 90 percent of your final grade.
- Uh, miss Ackerman,
you forgot to give me a quiz.
- That's right,
because I already graded yours.
- You give me an f on a quiz I never took?
- That's right.
F, f, f, f-itty, f, f.
- Okay, that is jank.
- Life is jank because sometimes,
certain little girls' brothers
dump you for no good reason.
- Miss Ackerman, I didn't mean to--
- there's no talking during the quiz.
- But it's not my fault.
- That tears it.
You give me 100 jumping Jacks.
- Huh?
- That's so not fair.
- You too, flapjack.
One hundred jumping Jacks
with her in the corner.
- Man, you're off your nut.
- Is that so?
Well, then, I'm gonna-- - yeah, yeah.
I know.
Now, I gotta go do jumping Jacks.
- No.
You are gonna wash my car.
Faster.
I want those faster.
Faster.
I wanna see you sweating.
- What are we gonna do?
- We're gonna tell Spencer
to call miss Ackerman
and start dating her again.
- No, I'm not gonna make
my brother's life miserable
just to make ours easier.
- Come on.
Havin' a miserable life
is not all that bad.
Sometimes my mother laughs.
- Why can't Spencer just date her?
- 'Cause the woman's
a big bottle of crazy sauce.
But-- - but what?
- --I think I might know a way to fix this.
- Good.
- How?
- "Icarly."
- Our web show?
- No, our potato farm.
- Okay.
Now to close the show--
- --we're gonna do something
a little different on "icarly."
- Please say "hello"
to someone you've met here before,
my big brother Spencer.
- Thanks for coming, Spence.
- Do you know why you're here?
- No, because you wouldn't tell me
why I'm here.
- That's 'cause we have a little surprise
for you.
- Ooh.
- Come on out here, miss Ackerman.
- Yeah.
- What is going on?
- Just go with it.
- Oh.
- All right.
This is our history teacher
who very kindly agreed to appear
on our show.
- Hello.
- Spencer and miss Ackerman
have been dating.
- But they've been having
some relationship problems.
- So we're gonna talk to them.
- And then you guys could vote online
right here at icarly.Com-- - --to tell us
whether it's time for them to--
- I'm not comfortable with this.
- Shh.
So Spencer, why do you feel
that you and miss Ackerman
are having problems?
- Well, she seemed nice
at first, but then I realized
she's totally insane-- not my type.
- And miss Ackerman, where do you feel
things went wrong?
- I don't know.
I tried to be a good girlfriend.
I bought him presents.
- What kind of presents?
- Well, a customized stuffed animal.
Oh, and a brand new pearpod
with 500 songs on it.
- Wow, a lot of songs.
You buy 'em all on peartunes?
- No, I just downloaded them
from one of those music-sharing websites,
but it's not about how much
a person spends,
it's the thought that counts.
- You make a good point.
- Okay, "icarly" viewers.
It's time to vote.
- But I can't-- - right here at icarly.Com.
- Just look under the pics
of Spencer and miss Ackerman--
- and vote make up-- - --or break up.
- Can I say one more thing
before they vote?
- No.
- Sit down.
- Is that it?
- That's it.
- Well, what's the vote?
- The "icarly" viewers said
that you and Spencer should-- - break up.
- I'm deeply sorry.
- Yeah, right.
- Listen, we know you feel bad.
- Want a bite of my burrito?
- No.
And if the vote says
that we shouldn't be together,
then I hate you and the Internet.
Ow.
- Okay, what was the point of all this?
Now, she's just gonna be mean
and vicious to you guys at school.
- I don't know.
- Lot of people watch "icarly."
- And sometimes-- - --we make sure
certain specific people watch.
- Hmm, yes.
Yes, we do.
- You guys are up to something
and I don't wanna know what it is.
- I hope you all haven't made
any plans for this weekend
'cause you're gonna be up
to your eyeballs in homework.
- When?
- Soon.
- And today, you will all write
1,000 words on why men
are dirty, rotten, stinktacious,
ungrateful-- - Lauren Ackerman.
- Yes, who are you people?
- FBI.
You are under arrest.
- Arrest?
For what?
- Five hundred counts
of illegally downloading music
on the Internet.
- Well, you have no proof.
- Yes, we do.
Ma'am.
I believe all the proof we need
is on this pearpod.
- And you admitted it last night
on those kids' web show.
- Which we recorded.
- You set me up.
- That's a lie.
- No, we set her up.
- Oh, yeah.
- So now, what do we do?
- Yeah, we should probably tell
principal Franklin that our teacher's
been arrested.
- Or we could go ice skating.
- Yeah.
- Hey, "icarly" people.
You guys know how you do wake up
Spencer on icarly.Com?
Okay, watch me wake up my dad
with a bucketful of ping-pong balls.
- Matthew, Katie.
Matthew, come back here right now.
- Mmm.
Captioning performed by peoplesupport transcription & captioning